raw

my fixation

is on you. it’s this predetermined glance that has fastened its focus. it has become unadjustable and unavoidable. you dictate my head and govern my thoughts, with you overpowering love and your consuming beauty, that swallows me up in an instant. 

time can pass, for what may seem like years. i have once worried prior to your arrival that things may be different. i may look at you differently when you glance back at me, i may not feel that rush of attraction because of the time we have grown used to spending apart. it dwelled on my mind as the hours led up to your arrival. my heart jumped when i recieved your message “i’m here :)”

subconciously, i don’t think i have ever moved so rapidly. i jumped up and ran out the door. the corrider flashed past me as if i was in a moving vehicle. the red arrow for the lift, seemed slower in motion as i pushed in impatiently. i gave up and took to stairs, i flew down each flight and swung around the banister on each corner. as i flew out the door into the open foyer. then it all stopped …

i saw your face. your expression turned to a smile, the one you get when you find something you’ve been searching for your whole life. i knew the same glance captured my face. the pull i felt within my chest was profound. i ran toward the door and hit the green button, you came through in full force, swept me up in your arms and kissed me as if we had been reunited after decades, that’s sure how it felt. 

i kissed your one thousand times over. i had forgotten what it was like to kiss you everyday. so i made up for everyday we were apart, times a billion. holding you made my heart race, it brought tears to the front of my eye and down my cheek. to feel you again, to hold you again. i felt like the luckiest girl in the world, i am the luckiest girl in the world.

that was last time, and now it’s this time. i miss you all over again. but this time’s different. because i know when i see you it will be phenomenal. my heart will rush, my eyes will pour and my arms will be wrapped around you. the way it should be, and the way i hope for everyday … out of 22 days, we’re down to 3. see you soon

i am irrevocably in love with you;

talking to you late at night, makes me feel as though my heart is being physically tugged from my body toward you, like some magnetic force.

these were your words: “i remember the feeling i had the first time i really had my hands on your body. it was the most amazing thing. i felt like my hands were made to feel your skin. it was so intense, i got shivers through my whole body just by touching you, by feeling your skin on mine.”  and what i think is the most incredible thing besides the power of those words alone is that you still give me that feeling i had when i first fell in love with you.

everyday feels like the first time i saw you, felt your touch and your kiss. you still give me those tingles. those butterflies, that anticipation and sheer happiness. so when you follow with: “when i am with you i feel like i have fulfilled my purpose in life. that all i am meant to do is to be with you and make you happy.” that’s how i feel. i feel like i am fulfilled, i have purpose and i am the luckiest person in the world because you do, make me more happy than i ever knew was possible. 

distant;

i put my glasses over my eyes, and i felt my cheeks tighten over my face. the tears welled up but the dark rims held them back. as i stared out the window, the landscape looked forlorn and continuous, like it could potentially stretch on forever. 

as i put on the playlist you made me, a sunk back into the soft furnishings of the seat. the rhythm of the movement blended into the beat of the landscape. i couldn’t help feeling sentimental and hard done by as i stared out at the blank canvas that was my surroundings. i listened to the lyrics in my ear, every word i immediately related to my life. the essence of feeling alone, completely on my own in a place not known to me.

you feel even further away. and every time you come to mind my heart sinks at the thought of your absence. leaving my family ha redefined my unsettled and uncertainty. ripping up what i thought was solid, what was my foundation and my home. 

i come back, to what i now call home. it is small, but the way i left it even though it looks like it has shrunk significantly. it feels dark, far away and untouched even though i was here just a day back. i feel like i have taken a step backward, even though the days just keep ticking over. i make my tea, just for one. one bowl, one glass of water. i sit and wait to hear your voice, aching for some sense of belonging, something familiar. and i do.

you call, my heart lifts, finally from the pit of my stomach at the sound of your ringtone. bordering on country music, which i hate i love this tune. you set it yourself, personalised for your contact specifically. i talk to you, i feel slightly better. there in comfort in your voice, i start to relax but you cut me short and before i know it you’re gone. and i’m all alone, in this room, what i now call home. it is still small, and the way i left it. but now i am the one who feels dark, far away and untouched. i feel separated from everything i know, and now you just cut the last line. you separated me from you 

the big city.

it has been a while since i wrote to you on here.
i guess i haven’t really felt the need to. as you have been mine for going on ten months now. and i would spend my every waking, or even non waking moment with you. 

i would open up to you what i let no one else see. i would let you comfort me when i would let no one else near me. i would share with you what no one else knows. and life was the way i had always imagined it. 

but now, i guess. i don’t have you 24\7 like i was so lucky to have before. so i will write to you on here. i don’t know if you will check it, nor if you will read this. but i need to be near you somehow. and what better place to go back to where it all began. where i first started recording how i felt about you. 

i hate being away from you
yes i do

and i know it’s my fault that we are. and i know it was my decision, because it was my future i decided for. but now i see how much you fit into that future. and it’s all i see. i love you more than life itself, more than my own capabilities. and it hurts me continually, the distance pulls at all i’ve got till i am breathless, and effortless.  

i just wish i could be as strong as you. i wish i had your courage, your independence, your wishful thinking, your incapability to stress, your constant ease and your ability not to blame the situation on me. what you are doing for us, for me is incredible.
.. and i can’t wait to start my future with you. it’s ‘us’ for real. 

this note, for you.

sadly, today, i do not have my bag full of surprises, so i write to you here.

you said earlier, you weren’t going to fall asleep on me tonight. but, as i was reading through this here blog of yours, and found a story i wanted to share with you, you asked me to read it to you. so i did. and halfway through your eyes had fallen closed, your breathing had slowed slightly. yes ben, you did fall asleep. but i do not mind at all. there is nothing in the world i love doing more than just laying in bed with you, you look so beautiful when you sleep.

thank you for letting me read this tonight, whilst we watched matilda. i feel, god, i don’t even know how to describe it. but when i read the things you wrote about me, the way you felt about me, it makes my heart ache. to find out how strongly you felt, to see these posts in the middle of the night, for you to tell me you couldn’t sleep because i was on your mind, the only thing i can say is sorry. sorry i did not let you know more obviously that i felt the same, sooner. but, we have had 139 days of blissful happiness together as ‘us’.

being ‘us’, it brings me joy beyond words. laying in the gardens together at school, amongst out friends, other girls, and teachers, it occurred to me that i no longer care what people think. walking into the pac to see the play tonight holding your hand, it is things like this i love doing. i am so proud to be with you. 

so that is my note for this evening. i know it isn’t the same as you won’t find it when you wake up, but i trust that you shall, at some point discover it. oh, and sorry for hacking your tumblr. but life goes on, so, i sign out, and say goodnight.

i am 100% head over heels in love with you adelle claire drury. love always, benito. (n.s.c.k.a (not so commonly known as) dana)

xx 

mylove;

as i opened up my email, your name popped up. an email from you at the top of my inbox, with the subject “a brief thought i was having…”

it read:

not long ago, you asked me to tell you how i would describe you.
i was stuck for words.
i replied like an idiot, with stuttered nothings.
but now, adelle, i know exactly what i would say.
if someone came to me and asked, 'what is adelle like?'
my reply would be as follows,

"there are many words i could try and use to give you an adequate description of adelle,
but very few i am sure which truly do justice to the purely wonderful person she is.
she is kind, yet funny,
driven, yet generous.
she is selfless, yet assured,
sexy, yet modest.
she is open, yet inriguing,
reliable, yet surprising.
she is a girl i am more than proud to call my girlfriend,
and i love her very much."

you make me smile. 

tease;

i rolled over to you, slipped my thigh over the top of your legs, my knees at either side of your waist. i intwined my fingers in yours, pinning your hands up above your head.

i looked down at you, you looked beautiful laying there beneath my gaze, my hair falling down around you cheeks. i leaned in, closer to your face and pulling my body close to yours, drawing them together like two magnets of strong magnetic tension. 

i teased your lips with mine, running my lower lip across yours. you breathed loudly and drew me closer, pulling me so tightly our bodies pressed with ultimate force. your body moved with mine, you kept leaning in close to my face, i would hold you with my gaze, part your lips with mine and withdraw my face from yours. keeping your gaze all the time, you smiled at me with a cheeky look in your eye, a look of sly determination, you kept trying to get closer but i wouldn’t let you, not yet. 

the intensity grows, at a phenomenal pace. i can’t keep my hands off you, and you try with every attempt to get closer. the restraint gets too much, and my dominant facade begins to cave. you sit up, bringing me up with you. kiss me fool you say as you grab my face and draw it toward yours. your kiss is so passionate. it sends tingles throughout my entire body, i pull you close, as close as i can, but i always want you closer.